Pass It On: Wal-Mart Bandits

So, I don't now where you live, but unless you live under a goddamn rock you probably have a Wal-Mart in your area. Well, around here we've been having a rash of robberies in the Wal-Mart parking lots. Apparently, they're big enough that a team of two can overtake someone, steal their wallet, and bail before getting caught. I didn't believe this shit until it happened to me this week.

I'm coming back from the store out to my car, and I've got two armloads of merchandise on me. I walk up to the car, and there's these two fine, barely dressed broads washing my windshield. They're rubbing their bodies all over the place, gyrating, moaning for Chrissakes. Except I'm a fucking nut about the damn car and I'm thinking I have to go home and dry the fucking thing off now. So I get ready to toss some money at these skanks to get them outta here; and they say they don't want the money. Whatever. I'm putting my shit in the trunk, and they're like "Can we get a ride down to Fairfield?"

"What the fuck ladies, do I look like I work for the fucking transit authority to you?"

"But we'd reeeeeally appreciate it," they say; fondling eachother. Unfair.

I let them in the backseat, and as we're cruising down the street these freaks start to make out. I'm trying to hold the fucking wheel, shift gears, check my blindspots, and watch these hot chicks covered in suds make out in my backseat. I was never good with over stimulation. Completely derails my focus.

Halfway there, the two of them climb into the front seat and start doing things to me that are illegal in 16 states. I'm trying to navigate rush hour traffic through a sea of knees and elbows; and the goddamn windows are fogging up.

I drop them off at Fairfield Shopping Center, and as I'm driving away I realize one of the wicked bitches lifted my goddamn wallet off me. Just wanted you guys to be on the look out. They go from shopping mall to shopping mall doing this shit to people and then lifting their wallets.

Happened to me this afternoon, Wednesday, twice on Sunday, and last Saturday as well. Fucking theiving bastards.