There's one in every office

The gross guy. The one who doesn't understand the social niceties of cleanliness. The guy with the black mouse that started as a white one and a keyboard that makes crunchy sounds when it's used due to the many cracker and chip bits lodged between the keys. The one with stained clothes featuring crusty cuffs from nose wipes and a greasy patch on each thigh from using pants as a napkin substitute.

At my last job this guy was infamous for his unsanitary habits. His cubicle smelled vaguely like a three week old roadkilled opossum dipped in urine. He eventually left us for a fantastic work from home opportunity. We celebrated for a week.

At this job he is known primarily for his personal odors. He has sparkling white teeth that starkly contrast with the brimstone and cabbage that he exhales. How can somebody who obviously brushes regularly have such a mouth odor problem? My theory is that he has no dental hygiene, rotted his teeth out and wears dentures.

He is also possessed of an unearthly stench about his person. It's an odor that says he fell in love with the Shower-to-Shower concept and has accepted talcum powder as his personal savior. He is a master at the Silent But Deadly. I've never heard him cut one loose but he is followed by the permanent aroma of juicy anal exhalation.

I have named him Boman and he is my personal nemesis.

So, what's your guy like?



The Interview Game: Nickole asks, I answer

Da rules:

Leave me a comment saying "interview me". The first five commenters will be the participants.

I will respond by asking you five questions.

You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.

You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

My questions come from Nick Queen of Patriot Paradox fame.

How would you describe yourself, and how would this differ from your wife's description of you?

Mild mannered, geekish, a bit anal retentive and possessed of an excellent sense of humor. Lovely Wife would probably agree with that but might stress the anal retentive aspect a bit. She'd also mention my "magic fingers".

What is your favorite joke?

Congress.

What is the worst job you've ever held?

I was stock boy at the bookstore of the University of Buffalo for the better part of a year. Combine tediousness, lack of pay, zero benefits and stultifying boredom interrupted with periods of unrelenting stress. I got a parking ticket once for parking at work during book rush one semester. During this period of incredibly heavy business, students can only park in the bookstore parking lot for one hour at a time. I was there all day and had a student parking tag so they gave me a ticket. I complained, saying I worked there and had been at work the entire time. Employees who were not students parked at work with no problem. The response was basically "Eat the ticket and don't park at work during book rush if you're a student".

Do you believe in anything paranormal (ufo's, Bigfoot)

I believe in two things: Occam's Razor and the infinite ability of people to invent things. Sure, there have been unidentified flying objects but aliens are way down on the razor's list of explanations. I can't imagine a race that is scientifically advanced enough to cross the infinite vastness of space would do so in order to feed their hillbilly butthole fetish. Bigfoot? It's certainly possible that there's a big monkey out there that hasn't been tagged and bagged yet. New species are being discovered all the time. Far more likely is a mixture of misunderstanding, imagination and hoax. I guess you could safely label me as a skeptic.

What is the most embarrassing moment in your life thus far

Going to a beach party in San Diego and waking up naked on a beach in Los Angeles. Not only was I never able to definitively discover what had happened at the party but the adventure of getting back to San Diego threatened to leave my face in a permanent reddened state.